If you saw my post on Instagram about my struggle with impostor syndrome in terms of my spiritual practice, this post is a continuation of that conversation and I am going to dig a little deeper. In writing about this I hope I can help myself heal, which in fact is why I became a witch in the first place.
When I say or think about being a witch I am immediately met with mental resistance and a narrative begins in a very critical voice listing off the many, many reasons why I am not/cannot be a witch;
"You're not a witch you don't hex or curse people nor do you want to."
"You're not a witch you don't read the tarot or even consistently do divination."
"You're not a witch you don't do spells for everything."
"You're not a witch you're too meek."
"Doing witchcraft is manipulation, and that is selfish and wrong, who the hell do you think you are?"
I instantly become overwhelmed and uncomfortable, retreating further into myself saddened that I will never become like those witches I so admire, never be equal, never be a "real" witch.
I've been sitting with this critical voice tonight and this narrative stems a lot from mental conditioning that comes from my codependency issues. A longing to be seen and accepted as you are, but codependency is desperately afraid of rejection and abandonment so it seeks to cultivate an acceptable though false image. "This is what other witches do/practice so this is what is acceptable, this is what I must be". But the truth of who are are cannot live nor bear this falsehood, a carefully sculpted, crumbling mask of cracked clay whose flicks of dust blind one's eyes to the truth, this isn't who you are.
I never went looking for witchcraft, I never had that teenage phase, I never saw the cult classic witch movies, I watched "Charmed" but I was more enamoured by the bonds of sisterhood than the actual magic. It wasn't until my early 20's that I stumbled across witchcraft when I was looking for something else entirely. Like many, I came via the road of neo-Wicca, at the time it fit my spiritual views, I had always believed that God had a wife, so the duotheism made sense to me. 'Solitary Witch' by Silver Ravenwolf was my first witch book, and there was a particular passage that I can honestly say changed my life:
"Being a witch has nothing to do with spells, rituals, and unusual clothes - they are the fun stuff. To be a witch is to desire personal transformation. Being a witch means to want to work every day to be a better person. To be a witch, you must be brave enough to face everything inside of yourself and have the courage to change the things to don't like."
I still remember the moment I read those words, sobbing my heart out on my bedroom floor feeling like for the first time in my life I could have some kind of control, those words empowered me, I was young and broken in a dark place, out on the other side of an abusive relationship. It was like someone had lit a lantern up and I could see a way forward, a way to help myself, heal myself. No, I'm not condoning witchcraft should be a replacement from professional medical help, geez. I'm saying that it was enough to shift my perspective and gave me something to focus on and work with. It gave my life a sense of meaning, it opened me up again, to trust life again.
Why am I telling you all this, honestly I don't know, I guess I'm trying to remember why I called myself a witch in the first place, trying to retrace my step back to the point where everything fell apart and I become the struggling being writing these words to you. Honestly, all of this is hard to admit, let alone write about and I've probably debted deleted this whole post several times. It's hard to look back as see a person who was seemingly more happy then they are now (they weren't, not really). I guess I have some digging to do folks!
Greene Blessings 🍀
Raven
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